-Bejan Daruwala

A characteristically angry mother gives birth to a son. She beats him. She abuses him. Not that she doesn’t love her son, but just that it is her way of bringing up a child. The son, often feeling humiliated and insulted, looses all the faith in goodness. He grows up to become a thug. He has no notion of earning money any other way. His mother used to beat him up if he didn’t do as she says. Now, he beats people if they don’t do as he says. For him, there is no other way a problem can be solved. He gets married. A year into the relationship and he starts hurling abuses at his wife for denying him sex. His two beautiful daughters are often beaten up. Not that he doesn’t love his wife or children but just that… it is his way of bringing up a family.
Our initial judgment of such a man would be nothing less than that of a ruthless dog. Why shouldn’t it be? Isn’t he a rapist/terrorist in the making? He should be behind the bars, isn’t it? But will this solve the problem? Is putting all the rapists/thugs/terrorists in jail the solution? If it is, who guarantees the fact that there wouldn’t be any newbie rapists/thugs/terrorists in making?
There is a solution – a permanent one. Only if mother can train themselves to look a bit deeper. While most of a man’s mistakes are active in nature, a woman’s faults are passive. For example, the culprit in the above situation is not just the man but also his mother. Yet, how would most people think of the thug’s mother? They’ll pity her. They’ll sympathize with her. In Indian context, she will be referred as an abhaagan maa – The one with a bad fate.
But one look from a higher vantage point and it becomes crystal clear that the abhaagan maa very well had the choice. The choice to raise her son in an enviornment of emotional security and sensitivity. But she chose not to. Why? Because hatred was her very nature and as we all know, hatred breeds more hatred.
A mother who raises her son in peace, provides a sense of security to all the women her son comes across. Such men become favorite bosses to their female employees. Such men make the best of husbands and are undoubtedly, lovely fathers to their daughters. It is all-inclusive kinship. As gender partners, we women are connected to each other, whether we acknowledge it or not. The thug’s mother had as much part in her daughter-in-law’s misery as the thug.
Women need to understand that the only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. A good man doesn’t just happen. They have to be created by us. Most mothers unwittingly train their sons to be terrible partners. Most moms keep pampering or giving in to the unreasonable wishes of their sons without demanding respect. The son learns that there wouldn’t be any stoppage to his needs in any case, no matter how badly he behaves. Raja beta becomes a husband and applies the same rule to his wife. After a year or two, he fails to understand the demands of a wife. If love was a ‘one way street’ with mom, why can’t it be the same with wife? Why does she complain of stinky socks on the bed when the mother used to ‘silently’ pick them up and wash it?
The total contribution of women in the oppression of other women is equal to men. To say that men are responsible for all the dirt is to take a closer call at escapism.
 Good men are scanty because we as mothers failed. We taught our daughters karate to fight the bad boys but failed to teach our sons about decent sexual behavior.  Thus, it would be silly and immature to term a man a dragon of all sorts. No wonder, we not only gave birth to our sons but took an equal part in framing their character.

We do need men, good men, to love and yes, to take care of everything. We can’t deny that. The world doesn’t need feminism or masochism. We don’t need Mahila Mandals or Mard Mandals. If there is anything that we need, its love and understanding from the other sex. However, love and respect aren’t something that comes to us by being deep dung in TV Soaps. To command sensitivity, we need to shower sensitivity. At a quite early stage, when a man is a child. If hatred breeds more hatred, so does love.

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